Being sincere is not enough. We must be willing to learn our spouse’s primary love language if we are to be effective communicators of love.

My conclusion after thirty years of marriage counseling is that there are basically five emotional love languages—five ways that people speak and understand emotional love. However, there may be numerous dialects. The important thing is to speak the love language of your spouse.

Communicating love isn’t as easy as feeling “in love,” because it’s quite a different thing. Falling in love is not an act of the will or a conscious choice. It’s effortless. One who is “in love” is not genuinely interested in fostering the personal growth of the other person. If the euphoric pleasure of being “in love” never ended, we might never experience true love and meaningful communication.

Love is something you do for someone else, not something you do for yourself. Most of us do many things each day that do not come “naturally” for us. For some of us, that is getting out of bed in the morning. We go against our feelings and get out of bed because we believe there is something worthwhile to do that day. And normally, before the day is over, we feel good about having gotten up. Our actions preceded our emotions.

The same is true with love. We discover the primary love language of our spouse, and we choose to speak it whether or not it is natural for us. You might not love the language itself, but speaking it will clearly communicate love to your spouse.

Love is a choice. And either partner can start the process today.

Jesus taught an important lesson about relationships. Essentially, what He said is that if any of us tries to improve a relationship by getting the other person to change (working hard to get the speck out of the other person’s eye), energies are being expended in the wrong direction. The place to begin is with our own failures (the plank or beam in one’s own eye).

Alone with God, simply ask, “Lord, what’s wrong with me? What are my faults? What are my sins?” Get your pencil and paper ready, for that is a prayer God will answer. Make a list of your sins.

Go back over the list and agree with God that these are wrong and, at the same time, thank Him for Christ’s death on the cross and therefore for forgiveness. Work through your list and accept God’s forgiveness for every past failure. God does not intend us to live under the emotional load of past failures. We can be forgiven.


The Love
Languages of God



The Apostle Paul wrote, “So I strive always to keep my conscience clear before God and man.” I believe that this is the most important principle of mental health and, consequently, of healthy relationships. We empty our conscience toward God when we confess our sins. We empty our conscience toward another person when we go to him or her and confess our failures.

Any time you become aware of friction or ill feelings in your relationships, the first question should be “Lord, what’s wrong with me?” As you see where you are wrong, confess it, accept God’s forgiveness, and ask His Spirit to control you. People do not “make us miserable.” We choose to be miserable. The immediate emotion that arises after the action of another person may be automatic and beyond your control, but what you do with that emotion is your decision.

If you are willing to search your own heart and confess any wrong discovered, then you can feel at peace, even though you are not particularly happy with the situation at hand. You then can be a positive force for change, rather than compounding the problem with your attitude.

I'm curious enough to wonder how many people agree with this I have found......


Jamie L. Adams